Facing Death to Embrace Life

Tonight, I felt some grief over my divorce.  It is a grief similar to when one has lost a loved one to death and the grief has finally caught up.  I suppose over the course of the last 2 years, I've intensely processed my own inner, personal hangups which, in my case, was characterized by a deep, profound depression.  I describe depression like my experience of being 5' 1" in a 5 foot swimming pool: you must work to stay above water just  to breathe, yet your feet can't fully reach the bottom.  There is no sure footing, so you cannot rest or you'll drown. 
But now, with God's help, I've made it.  I've overcome.  But the moment I realized this, I realized what I left behind, what I walked away from.  I began to feel the grief of death, that is, the death of my marriage.  I wept, and as I did so, my tears were a soothing revelation that what once lived is now dead.  Death, although painful, is good.  It is cleansing.  It makes way for new life, just as decaying matter creates nutrients for soil pregnant with seed.  My tears reminded me of deep pain that I walked away from, and abuse I had suffered.  My tears reminded me of trauma I had experienced and neglect I endured. 

My tears speak of God's compassion for me when I felt unloved and uncared for.  My tears reminded me that though I wasn't the perfect wife, I was a good wife, and I did the things that a good wife would do for her husband. 

So, I realize that I've spent quite some time over the last couple of years dealing with the harsh repercussions of my personal responsibility for my decisions and my mistakes up to this point in my life.  But now, my tears mark a different season in my life.  I celebrate what I've done right and the strength of my determination to live my life and embrace who God made me to be.  I celebrate that I stand alone and as a single entity, full of untapped potential, ready to be harvested. 

I celebrate the God in me, the One who overlooked my faults, while helping me to face them, whose strength was perfect in my weakness, who showed me compassion when I hated myself, who gave me the grace to divorce when I felt ashamed for doing so, and the One who saved my life when I wanted to throw it away.

I have so much to live for and with new breath and renewed vigor, I march forward out of depression, away from divorce, abuse, and trauma into a new destiny, one that I've never known or seen.  I scoff at fear and embrace the unknown, because I know God is with me.  He's been faithful to me through it all, and He will continue to be.

But those who trust in the Lord for help
will find their strength renewed.
They will rise on wings like eagles;
they will run and not get weary;
they will walk and not grow weak.
                                             Isaiah 40:31, Good News Translation