A Lesson in Love

Settling down is a real mark of maturity.  When someone desires to settle down, he is acknowledging that he is settled into self, as a person, an individual.  He is grounded in who he is.  Because of this, I believe, a person then becomes naturally oriented to people and life outside of himself.  Thus, he is ready to give himself to others, which is the hallmark of love.

Just because one is married or has children doesn't mean that one is settled down.  I say this from experience.  I was married for seven years, but I was restless.  I didn't understand myself or how I fit into the world around me, and so I couldn't give myself completely as a wife.  Thus, there was lack of love for myself, and consequently, there was lack of love for my husband at the time.  Thank God there were no children born into the marriage, because I would have lacked love for them too.

People don't always marry to settle down.  Some marry out of fear.  Some fear that they will lose the one they want if they don't marry.  Others marry for fear of being alone.  Some marry for fear of not being loved.  They do not consciously know these things, for these are unconscious motivations.  What was my excuse?  I lacked the patience to wait for love.  Wearied from a string of immature romances coupled with internal fears of rejection and abandonment, I hastily tied the knot at 21. 

BUT FEAR ISN'T LOVE...

Marriage that is based in fear is in danger of failing and will fail if the fear is perpetuated.  The reason is because marriage wasn't designed for fear; it was built for love.  Love is the very antithesis of fear, for as the scripture says, "[t]here is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear ..." (1 John 4:18, NIV).  Fear and love CANNOT co-exist.  So, I reiterate: a marriage founded in fear CANNOT survive, because it is loveless at its root.

Our society criticizes and crucifies the institution of marriage because of the overwhelming number of divorces.  But, the problem isn't marriage.  The fault lies in the lack of love in marriages.  There is so much selfishness in our culture that people marry to gain something for themselves, not to give.  This is due to a lack of love for SELF, FIRST.  A person who truly loves himself can give at-will without the fear of lacking anything in return.  When you put two individuals together who have this self-love, there is an easy and contant flow of reciprocity, because there is a continuous outflow of giving between the two.  If one enters a marriage with the expectation of "what can I gain from this person, this experience, this arrangement," they have already swallowed the seed of divorce.  And to give in order to profit, whether financially, sexually, materially or otherwise,  is counterfeit love, because true love is unconditional.

If our society wants to see marriages that work, then we must begin with loving ourselves.  And to love ourselves is to submit ourselves to God because "it is He who has made us and not we ourselves" (Psalm 100:3, NKJV).  If you want to know about a product and why it was made, consult the manufacturer.  One cannot truly love himself without knowing God first, and until we accept this, we will spend our lives filling that need for Him with people, possessions and other tangibles that are good indeed, but are misplaced in our lives.  We do not have to understand God to know Him.  We must simply live in Love, because Love is who He IS.

So, because of my renewed faith in God, and this wonderful love and appreciation I'm finding for myself, I have faith that I will TRULY love the right man one day.  I have the courage now to grow in patience and exercise it daily.  I say it takes courage because I am resisting a culture of instant gratification, a mindset that says "if I can't have it now, why wait?  It's useless!" 

The reward for my patience?  I envision a wealth of little ones safe, secure, and warm in a home where love endures and never, never  fails...

And so, I wait...